The Tohru Honda Story: It's A Mad, Mad World
by hollylizzy
Summary: Tohru and her real thoughts. RANDOMNESS! Review pleaseeee. On a short hiatus, sorry.
1. Fabulous muffins, Ayame

tadumpama.  
randomness at 01:16 in the morning.  
wow i'm cool ¬¬  
AND I DON'T OWN FURUBA.  
but if i did...you'd all be booked into mental hospitals by now.

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I'm Tohru Honda.  
I live with 2.5 men and wear short skirts.  
A lot.  
Shigure likes it.  
A lot.  
He's a dog.

'A hot dawg.'  
'A hawt dawg?'  
'You make me sick.'  
'-sniff-'

I'm not material, I'm spiritual!  
I so am.  
I like incense.

'Yeah, sure.'  
'Kyo, go use your cat litter or something.'  
'-sobbing-'

Hatori's a bastard.  
The bastard son of the dragon, hahahahaha.  
Kagura's a pig.  
A peeg.  
A wee peegy.

'I'm a sheep, baa.'  
'You certainly look like one!'  
'I will spike your toothpaste with ANTIFREEZE!'  
'-antifreezes-'  
'-freezedried-'

You should all love me.  
No, really.  
I'm cute and I have big blue eyes.  
And I don't read hot kinky mansex.

'Tohru, have you been reading my hot kinky mansex?'  
'Noooo! -blink-'

There's a ponyyy!  
A purdy purdy pony.

'I'm not a purdy purdy pony, I'm Rin!'

Rin's not so hot.  
For example, she has the dreaded GREASE OF HAIR.  
And also the hideous FLAB OF STOMACH.  
No, really.

'-pinches flab and grease-'  
'I hate you.'  
'Haru hates you.'  
'THANKS TO YOU!'

Rin scares me.  
It might be the flab.  
Or it might be the way she eats gelatin.  
It's kind of vengeful.

'Hey baby. You're cute.'  
'Haruuu! -leaps on Haru-'  
'Yummy.'

After that little episode, we went to the backseat of his bicycle.  
And did yummy backseating cycling.  
Drool4Haru.

'Sissy...will you watch Mogeta with me?'  
'Can't you watch it with that little sheepy dude with the nice ass?'  
'He's all freeezedried, cissy...'  
'-molestation of freezedried Hiro-'  
'Cissy...?'

Okay, so the other day I was thinking.  
I need some kind of theme song.  
So I got Akito out, cause she's sexy.  
And she knows about Pain.  
Pain Prattworthy-Potter.  
He's a songwriter on the quiet ya know!  
But he could be a little more discreet about his dayjob as a R3nTb0ii.

'Did someone say blowjob?'  
'Please go away, Haru.'  
'-Haru glare-'  
'-Akito glare-'  
'Ngurffffffff!'

We never got my theme song because of Haru.  
Because after that Ngurfffffff! Akito wanted to kill him.  
And Pain went to watch.

I was sad.  
A sad, lonely little muffin.

'I will make you a fabulous, sparkly little muffin! You will be AMAZING! You will shine and glimmer and glitter like the very stars above us!'  
'There are no stars tonight. It is a cloudy night.'  
'I will make you a beautiul little FLUFFY CLOUD of a muffin! You will be soft and gentle and-'  
'-glorious intervention of Kyo-'  
'-Ayame shockanddeath-'  
'KyoKyoooo! I love youuuu!'  
'-stunned Kyo-'

He thought I was Kagura.  
I wasn't.  
I wasn't even wearing her cosplay outfit.

FOR I AM TOHRU, TOHRU HONDA.  
AND I AM A HAPPY LEETLE MUFFIN.

You thought it was going to end there, didn't you?  
It hasn't.  
I mean, it didn't.  
You're stuck with this trash until the page STOPS.

'Hallelujah!'  
'Yuki-Kun!!'  
'-Yuki gospel dancing-'  
'Oooooooooooh.'  
'-claps hands and carries on dancing-'  
'...mom...'

Yay, Ritsu! Let's go make his self-esteem lower!

'Ritsuuu!'  
'I'm sorry! I'm sorry for making you call my name, I should have noticed you first, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO , DO YOU FORGIVE ME? I WON'T MIND IF YOU DON'T, I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY FOR MY APPEARANCE, I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY FOR BEING SUCH A REJECT ON THE FACE OF THIS BOUNTIFUL EARTH, I'M SOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!'

'-gape-'  
'-Shigure prods Ritsu-'  
'It's the magic touch!'  
'That it is, Shigure. That it is.'

Sometimes I want to have mad angsty passion with Hatori.  
But then he starts singing opera and I remember why I let Kyo, Shigure, Kisa, Hiro, Yuki, Aya, Ritsu, Haru, Rin, Akito and Momiji get into my knickers and not him.  
But it doesn't stop me from wondering.

'Hello, Tohru.'  
'Hiiiiiiiiiiii Hatori.'  
'You remind me of Kana.'  
'-gigglefalloverfakedeathrevivesexypose-'  
'IS THAAAT THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERAAAAA?  
BEWARE THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERAAAAAAAA!'  
'--;'

enddd.  
or not?

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YAY!  
that was random.  
review.  
YAY!  
plushies for reviewers...--coy--


	2. If you were a car salesthing

**Hi bbz.**

**XD**

**it's the second chapter.**

**Momiji eats toy cars, Akito's a car salesperson, and Yuki has no clue about girlie stuff.**

**Enjoy.**

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If you were a car salesman.  
I would love you.  
Akito is a car saleswoman/man/it/person.  
Watch.  
'Hello Akito!'  
'TohruHiHaveYouHeardAboutOurNewExcitingDealsOnAllSmallFordCars?OnlyLowPricesForTodaySoGoGOGOGOGO!'  
'Akito, YOU are a small Ford car.'  
'OhMy.'  
'Quit your job!'  
'YesMa'am.'

Wow, ordering Akito around is fun.  
She gets all flustered.  
Like when Kureno gets in the shower with her.

'Tohru...'  
'KURENO?! H-H-H-AI!'  
'Yes. How did you know about me, Akito and the shower?'  
'I...I...-flashes out of desperation-'  
'If you have sex with me, we can forget this.'

ShowerSexxx.  
XXX.

'Take me, take me!'  
'Take your what?'  
'Nobody asked you, Yuki.'  
'Miss Honda...you're being very snappy today.'  
'GUESS WHAT TIME IT IS, YUKI-KUN.'  
'Uh...eight?'  
'Oh. My. God.'

Yuki has no idea about girlie stuff.  
Despite the fact that he dug up my tampons shortly after we met.  
And my underwear!  
Yuki touched my underwear.  
Oh, violation.

'I touched more than that, Miss Honda.'  
'Oh, go away!'  
'-stiff upper lip-'  
'Why are you British today, Yuki?'  
'I'm afraid, modom, I am not at liberty to say. Coff. Coff.'  
'--;'

Yes. Right. Well.  
Maybe I should talk to Kisa.  
We haven't talked lately.  
Kyo's been keeping me in bed.  
And Haru on his bicycle.

'Kisa...!'  
'-bitey bitey-'  
'Yay! Playful biting!'  
'Cissy...why are you so happy? Can you make me happy too?'  
'-sniff-'

I hate it when children like Kisa are sad.  
I should become a volunteer to help them!  
Or maybe I'll just dust some more.  
Dust, dust, dust.  
Nibble, nibble, nibble.  
Is there anything more to life than this?  
Oh, sexual harassment.

'Tohru. I'm so sorry.'  
'What is it, Momiji?'  
'I ATE A TOY CAR!'  
'No you didn't! -Haru scorn-'  
'Why are you here, Haru?'  
'Because he didn't eat a toy car! I tried to tell him, but, damn...-angst-'  
'Haru, you haven't gone black this chapter. You didn't last chapter, either.'  
'That's what YOU think!'

Momiji disappeared from that conversation after his shame-filled outburst.  
Hehe, filled.  
Dirty thoughts.  
We found him later.  
Momiji, not Haru.

'Look! Haru! It's Momiji!'  
'So it is! Sitting amidst a sea of toy cars.'  
'MUNCH MUNCH MUNCH'  
'STOP MOMIJI! STOP! PLEASE, STOP!'  
'WE KNOW THEY TASTE GOOD, MY LITTLE GERMAN PAL, BUT YOU'LL REGRET IT IN THE MORNING!'  
'MUNCH MUNCH MUNCH'

Momiji later choked on a wheel.  
Haru gave him the hiemlich.  
It looked more like he was bumming him, though.  
I think it was the 'YES, HARU, YES!'s that gave it away.  
I think I saw Rin.

'Tohru.'  
'Hello, Rin!'  
'Shut...up.'  
'But you-'  
'-poof of smoke-'  
'PONYY!!!!'

Da ba dee daba dai daba daie daba dee da ba dae.  
I'm blue!  
Da ba dee daba dee daba dai daba dee da ba dae.  
I have a blue house with a blue window...

'Tohruuuu, the bathroom needs cleaning.'  
'Clean it yourself, you lazy dawg.'  
'Stop calling me a dawg!'  
'Yessir -bathroom cleanery-'  
'Good girl.'

I'm so easily won over.  
It makes my head hurt just to think of saying no.  
I'm blue!

'Look! Sparkly!'  
'--;'

I love sparkly things.  
THEY FILL ME WITH JOY.  
Like cereal.  
Yes...cereal...novelty kids' cereal...  
Darn it all, now I want some cereal!

'YOU STUPID WOMAN!'  
'Eh?'  
'IS ALL YOU CAN THINK ABOUT CEREAL? THERE'S A WAR GOIN' ON!'  
'Don't spaz out on me, Hiro. I freezedried you and I'll do it again.'  
'No you won't. You just say tha-'  
'-freezedries-'

He's so full of it.  
We should give him foot and mouth.  
But then...but then..Haru might get foot and mouth!  
And Kagura, too.  
Maybe not.

I'm blue!'  
'Tohru...Miss...Tohru Honda...'  
'WAARGH!'  
'It is I, Akito.'  
'I'm not blind.'  
'I am here to ask you a favour.'  
'Ye-es?'  
'Stop singing the I'm Blue song.'  
'Oh. Um. Okay.'

I'm blue!  
Blue is Yuki's favourite colour.  
Maybe I should sing it to him.

'I'm blue, da ba dee daba dai-'  
'SHUT UP, MISS HONDA!'  
'-sniff-'

And he said I was snappy.  
Oh, Yuki.  
Poor lonely misunderstood Yuki.  
I think I need a hankerchief.

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**That's the next chapter for you!**

**Plushies for all who review or message.**

**Reviewing and messaging is nice though!**

**Plushies!**


	3. Nude boys!

Hihihihi.

New chapter! Yay!  
-tumbleweed-  
Yesss...this was inspired by a week long visit to my cousins.  
I bear the scars.  
I DON'T OWN FRUITS BASKET.  
and yes, i am a pervert.

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I need to peeeeeeeee.  
I think Shigure's in there.  
Stupid dogs.  
I know it's not Kyo, 'cause he's in his litter tray.  
Licking himself.  
Euw!

'Tohru.'  
'Hatori-san!'  
'Do you know the hazards of engaging in sexual congress with an animal whose habits are those of licking themselves?'  
'Erm...I can guess!'  
'-piercing stare-'  
'A-ah?'  
'The dragon doesn't lick himself.'

Whew.  
Haa-san's certainly dragon-like in some respects, I'll give him that...  
And some-a this...  
And a little-a thaaaat,  
An'-a, an-a, an' a lotta lotta thiiiiis!  
OH YEAH!  
_[Authoress Girl: 'Why do all my fics feature songs? And pervaciousness?'_

Ahem-hem-hem.  
Ever since I came to live with the Sohma family...  
...I've been under a lot of stress.  
It began with Shigure cornering me near the rice cooker...  
And now all I can think about is nude boys!

'And how do you feel about that, Tohru?'  
'Huh?'  
'How do you feel about only being about to think about nude boys?'  
'When did this suddenly turn into a talk show? And why are you, Kagura, the host?'  
'Since five minutes ago. Now shut up and go along with it!'  
'I feel degraded. Filthy and degraded!'

Nude boys...  
Nude boys on TV-show coffee mugs...  
That's no hallucination...  
That's Kureno!  
_[Authoress Girl: 'Actually, it's Akito. She's wearing Kureno's cosplay outfit.'  
_Okay, it's Akii.  
Akii in cosplay.

'Hey Akii-kun!'  
'_Don't...call...me...Akii-...kun...'  
_'-backs off-'

I'm waiting for Yuki.  
He got a job.  
I lost mine.  
That's because...  
IT WAS MY JOB!  
Gasp.

'Miss Honda! What a nice suprise!'  
'Not nice for much longer, Yuki!'  
'Miss Honda, why do you have a knif-'  
'-death of Yuki-'  
'Such a sad day this is.'

After that, Yuki was brought back to life by a dalek.  
...I can hear Authoress Girl crying in distress.  
In D-I-S-T-R-E-S-S!  
Distress, I'm the best, GO DISTRESS!  
I can't be good at everything, ya know.

'Jump in my car!'  
'HARU, YOU HAVE A CAR?!'  
'I'm the hoff, baby.'  
'Teeth like slices of bread.'

I jumped in his car.  
Then I couldn't get out again.  
Wait a second.  
That wasn't a car...  
That was a toy car!  
A regurgitated toy car from Momiji!  
Oh, recognition.

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short n sweet.

reviewwww!


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